Mental Detritus and Such
by LNFPH4077
Summary: If you're like me you've imagined the characters doing and saying things that wouldn't be done or said in a secondrate fanfic, much less the show. Welcome to the fifth rate fanfic that dares to record some of these things.


Mental Detritus

This chapter is mostly just a test to see if anyone would be interested in reading more of my mental detritus. It's a couple of small new ideas and my skits from the now defunct MASH Does Monty. And before anyone says anything, I know that those and my other song pieces are in script format and that's a no-no according to I've tried to do them in prose, but musical pieces are so much easier to work as a script. So I'll make you a deal; you don't tell and I won't either. And as for Wicked (You'll see what I mean) I've never actually seen the show, only heard the soundtrack so if I miss the mark on anything I apologize in advance.

Thanks for reading!

**Part the First**

"What're we doing tonight, Margaret?"

"The same thing we do every night, Frank. Try to take over the unit."

--------------------------

_The Lumberjack Sketch, Version 1_

(Colonel Potter is working busily at his desk when Klinger bursts in, wearing his fur coat.)

Colonel Potter: (Clearly irritated) What now!?

Klinger: Sir, I must confess. I never wanted to be a Section Eight. I always wanted to be (He pauses.) a lumberjack! (He sheds his coat to reveal a tartan shirt and lumberjack pants underneath. Faint music is heard in the background) The smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girlie by my side...

(Here, Soon-Lee, dressed as a mountain maiden, rushes to his side)

Klinger: We'd sing ...sing ...sing.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK

I sleep all night and I work all day

(Here a group of Koreans dressed as Mounties comes in to sing the chorus)

Korean Mounties:

He's a lumberjack and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Klinger:

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shopping,

And have buttered scones for tea.

Korean Mounties:

He cuts down trees, He eats his lunch,

He goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping,

And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack and He's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Klinger:

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars.

Korean Mounties:

He cuts down trees, He skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around... (Spoken) In bars!?!?

(The Korean Mounties start to look disquieted, but they cheer up as they start to sing the chorus)

He's a lumberjack and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Klinger:

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspenders and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear Papa.

Korean Mounties:

He chops down trees, he wears high heels

(Spoken) Suspenders and a...Bra?!?!

(The music that had been playing runs down. The Korean Mounties mumble. Soon-Lee bursts into tears.)

Soon-Lee: I thought you gave that up! (Runs out of the room)

Colonel Potter: I gotta get him that Section Eight.

--------------------------

(Radar and Klinger are in the empty mess tent. Klinger is dressed as Galinda from Wicked and looking every bit the part. Radar is dressed in his fatigues and looking scared out of his wits.)

Klinger: (Spoken) Now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project.

Radar: (Spoken) You really don't have to do that...

Klinger: (Spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice.

Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I  
(And let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I?)  
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.   
And when someone needs a makeover,  
I simply have to take over!  
I know- I know- exactly what they need!

(Klinger walks around Radar, taking the opportunity to size him up. Radar now looks like he might faint at any moment.)

Klinger: And even in your case  
Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face  
(Radar is wondering whether he should be insulted or not.)

Klinger: Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed!  
Follow my lead  
And yes indeed, you will be...

Popular! You're gonna be popular!  
I'll teach you the proper ploys  
When you talk to boys  
Little ways to flirt and flounce - Ooh!  
I'll show you what shoes to wear!  
How to fix your hair!  
Everthing that really counts to be...

(Klinger here gathers a few select items from the Klinger Collection...)

Klinger: Popular! I'll help you be popular!  
You'll hang with the right cohorts  
You'll be good at sports  
Know the slang you've got to know.  
So let's start  
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go!

Don't be offended by my frank analysis  
(Think of it as personality dialysis).  
Now that I've chosen to become a  
Pal, a sister, and advisor  
There's nobody wiser!  
Not when it comes to...

Popular! I know about popular.  
And with an assist from me  
To be who you'll be  
Instead of dreary who you were- well, are.  
There's nothing that can stop you  
From becoming popular...lar...

La, la, la, la!  
We're gonna make you pop-u-lar!

When I see depressing creatures  
With unprepossessing features  
I remind them on their own behalf  
To think of  
Celebrated heads of state,  
Or 'specially great communicators!  
Didn't they have brains or knowledge?  
Don't make me laugh!

They were popular!  
Please! It's all about popular.  
It's not about aptitude,  
It's the way you're viewed.  
So it's very shrewd to be,  
Very, very popular like me!

(Somehow during the song Klinger has managed to put Radar into a pink strapless dress, pink lipstick, pink nail polish, and a pink pillbox hat with a white veil. Radar is standing in his get up wishing that he had his teddy bear.)

Klinger: (Spoken) Why, Miss Radar, look at you. You're beautiful!

Radar: (Spoken) I...I have to go. (He can barely get the words out, as embarassed as he is.)

(Radar runs out of the mess tent, dearly hoping not to run into anyone.)

Klinger: (Calling after him) You're welcome!

And though you protest,  
Your disinterest,  
I know clandestinely,   
You're gonna' grin and bear it!  
Your new found popularity!   
Ah! La, la, la, la!  
You'll be popular!  
Just not quite as popular as me!

(Klinger shrugs, grins, and takes out a cigar. He lights it up and is taking a puff when Hawkeye walks in.)

Hawkeye: (Spoken, of course) Nice dress, Klinger. Have you seen Radar?

--------------------------

_The Lumberjack Sketch, version 2_

(The OR is crowded and noisy. Frank drops a surgical instrument, which can clearly be heard despite the noise.)

BJ: Next time, Frank, don't put so much butter on your fingers.

Frank: (Snaps) Well, you know, I never really wanted to be a surgeon anyway. As a boy I always wanted to be...a lumberjack! (Here he rips off his scrubs to reveal, yes, a tartan shirt and lumberjack pants.) The smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girlie by my side...

(Major Houlihan has shed her scrubs to play the obliging mountain maiden)

Frank: We'd sing ...sing ...sing.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK

I sleep all night and I work all day

(Here a group of enlisted men dressed as Mounties comes in to sing the chorus)

Enlisted Mounties:

He's a lumberjack and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Frank:

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shopping,

And have buttered scones for tea.

Enlisted Mounties:

He cuts down trees, He eats his lunch,

He goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping,

And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack and He's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Frank:

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars.

Enlisted Mounties:

He cuts down trees, He skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around... (Spoken) In bars!?!?

(The Enlisted Mounties start to look disquieted, but they cheer up as they start to sing the chorus)

He's a lumberjack and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Frank:

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspenders and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear Papa.

Enlisted Mounties:

He chops down trees, he wears high heels

(Spoken) Suspenders and a...Bra?!?!

(The music that had been playing runs down. The Enlisted Mounties mumble. Major Houlihan does the famous Houlihan stomp and then kicks Frank.)

Margaret: And I thought you were so butch! (Storms out of the room)

(There is dead silence in the OR. Then...)

Klinger: I'm never going to get my Section Eight when the officers are crazier than I am! (He throws up his arms and walks out of the room, disgusted.)

Hawkeye: (Has just had too much, and dissolves into laughter. He is slowly joined by the rest of the OR, who laugh until they cry.)

-----------------------------------

So there it is. If you're interested in having me continue, drop me a line. I'd really appreciate it. By the way, do any of you know what the "Q" in Maxwell Q. Klinger stands for? Or the "T" in Sherman T. Potter?


End file.
